yanderebitchclub | ( catchall ) even now i still dream of you

[ ...what?

izumi knew they're going to talk about That at some point, but... not like this. not at all. seeing sandalphon stammer over his words feels like a stab in the gut, as if he's forcing himself to spit all that out, and izumi can't help but be a little peeved. ]

You're going to take back your feelings? Just like that? After-- After everything we've been through?

[ maybe izumi's still not worthy for him. because why else is sandalphon saying this? ]

I thought you didn't mean it... I guess it was normal to admit that you love someone when the sex feels good, but that just means you only love me for my body, right?

[ izumi is prickly and abrasive, much like sandalphon himself... but if a primal beast couldn't even put up with him, then... ]

No, that's—

[Sandalphon objects before he can completely catch up, inwardly cursing himself even as he does so. That would've been a perfect opportunity to cut this relationship off, but in the end, he can't even manage a simple act of selflessness after all.

He doesn't want the man he's in love with to hate him, after all.]

...I'm not...taking them back. It's true that you're beautiful, but there are so many other reasons to love you—so many that although Duplicity is hell, I think sometimes it might not be as bad as it seems if it let me meet you.

[In other words, he's got it bad.]

I just...you deserve someone better than me, because there are so many reasons to love you. There are others here that I...that I know you love, too, who can do it better than I can.

[He could've thought of a better way to word it, but jealousy's reared its ugly head again at the worst possible moment.]

[ wow, he's got it real bad that it's... kind of cute. no, it's totally cute, and izumi thinks he himself has got it bad too...

god. ]

...You really are stupid.

[ yeah, might as well tell him that upfront. he can't stop smiling, though. ]

But I guess that makes me too, because I keep thinking that I'm never going to be enough for you either. I'm only human, while you're an angel - a Supreme Primarch, at that. And...

It's hard for me to say those words to just about anyone. When I first came here, I didn't want to fall too hard for anyone here outside of my peers. But when I met you and I'd gotten to know you more, I...

[ crap, now it's his turn to fluster. ] I just don't want to assume, is all. You're a higher being so I thought that you'd rather love someone else, like... you know.

[ can't believe he's also jealous over someone who's already long dead, yet here he is. ]

...It doesn't matter how high a being I am. In the end, Lucifer is...

[Of course, Sandalphon still loves him, and he can't imagine not having such deep feelings for Lucifer. But even if the former supreme primarch would, admittedly, likely be his first choice...

Well, he can't choose a dead man in the first place.]

...I've already told you about what happened to him.

[It's still hard to say it out loud.]

So worrying about that is nonsense. If you're going to reject me, do it on your own terms.

[Even though he knows that's not where Izumi is going with this, even though those three little words have been knocking around in his head since the moment he heard them murmured in his ear, he can't help but feel like this is a mistake, even if it's one he desperately wants to make.]

I won't take it personally if you decide you'd rather not fall for anyone outside of your peers after all. Think about it, at least. Especially since your other options are...probably more viable. Certainly more viable than my alternative.

[They're not only alive, but here.]

[ and there sandalphon goes again, pushing izumi away right when they were getting good at this whole thing. izumi is all too aware that the both of them aren't each other's first choice either, so he'd know where the other man is coming from...

but of course, he's having none of that. ]

All this talk about me deserving someone better is complete bull anyway. Anyone who puts up with me is just going to suffer no matter what I do. That's just who I am, and nothing's ever gonna change that.

[ leo and makoto may have gotten over that, but it's still a burden that izumi will have to carry for the rest of his life. maybe it's why he's grown attached to his submissive as time went on - the baggage isn't as heavy. ]

But you... You're stronger than you think, so why the hell are you backing down now? I thought you want me to say that I trust you after that night, because I do. I... really do.

[ and it feels weird, admitting something like that to someone else. give him a moment to gather up his pride anyway. ]

...I've already made up my mind anyway, but all I ask is that you've got to start thinking that you deserve me too. [ he looks away as a feeble attempt to hide his reddening face. ] I didn't want to think that what we have isn't real, not after everything.

...For all that I've suffered here, that was in spite of you. Not because of you. You've only ever been kind to me, even if your attitude could use some work.

[If anything, Izumi's assertion that he'll never change is assuring, because if he changed at all, would he still be the person Sandalphon fell in love with in the first place?]

I trust you too. So...

[So, what? He's never done this before. He's never even said anything like this before. In some ways—minor ones, but ways nonetheless—this is just as stressful as having the gathered hopes and trust of the four primarchs on his back. Having the fate of the world on his shoulders and the fate of his personal relationship with someone swinging in the balance are hardly comparable, but...he's still so nervous.

Izumi isn't backing down, despite Sandalphon's attempts to push him away. If anything, he's doubling down on it. On his feelings, and on wanting to express them.

So...]

So...if you...

["If you want to give it a try, then let's do it."

It's not a hard sentence to say, by any means, but it catches in his throat, and it's all Sandalphon can do just to reach over and hold Izumi's hand, interlacing their fingers and giving it a gentle squeeze.]

...Let's...foster this trust we have in one another...for just a little longer.

[He averts his eyes, blushing fiercely. It's not how he wanted to word it, but it will have to do. Even though he's already told Izumi he loves him, the words are so much heavier with a lucid mind.]

[ oh, this is bad. bad in a good way, since izumi had never once dreamed he'd make an angel blush outside of idiomatic expressions. yet here he is, hands laced together with one who's not used to the very concept of admitting one's feelings just yet.

they're both contradictory in their own little ways, but maybe that's why izumi's able to understand him and vice versa, despite the belligerence.

izumi would still like to hear it from him, though. so he leans forward, a cheeky smile forming on his face. ]

That's one way to put it. But why not say it more properly next time?

[ here, a sweet little kiss to start things off. tell him, tell him! so that he won't have to, lol. ]

[Sandalphon leans into the kiss immediately. There's something a little different about it now...their first kiss as a—a couple? Are they a couple now?]

I...haven't I said it properly already? That's what got us here in the first place.

[His face is so red it practically matches his eyes, and he still can't look directly at Izumi.]

You already know what I'm trying to say. About...how it is I feel about you.

[Izumi will have to work a little harder than that if he wants to hear those three words again, it seems. But Sandalphon's more than happy to kiss him again, expressing with his body all the things he's too shy to say with words.]

[ izumi sighs and melts into the kiss; he wonders if sandalphon will ever know the effect he has on a mere mortal like him, choosing him among the myriad of people from his world who are much more unique and talented than him.

maybe he'll never know, since izumi's just as tight-lipped about his own feelings. but izumi will show him how he feels as well, scrambling onto sandalphon's lap as he deepens the kiss. ]

Then... show me.

[ not with sex right now because... well. he was resting on a couch for a reason. ]

[Sandalphon smiles slightly against Izumi's lips, wrapping his arms around him and gently tracing up and down the line of his lower back with the tips of his fingers. Honestly, he's so needy...but, well, Sandalphon's needy himself, isn't he? That's why he couldn't just let his feelings lie, after all.]

You're so warm.

[Physically, of course, but his personality, too—everything he does, from his harshest words to his gentlest touches, feels rooted in care. After all, if nothing else, Sandalphon's learned that Izumi wouldn't bother with him at all if he didn't care about him...and it's a thought that sets his heart alight. When he thinks about it, he's got a lot to catch up to, doesn't he?

He nips at Izumi's bottom lip, just enough to coax his mouth open. Just because he's not in the mood for sex right now doesn't mean he'll miss the opportunity to make out with him a little.]

[ izumi's face warms at how sandalphon says it; he rarely makes soft comments like that, after all, and it really is a privilege to hear something like that from him. they're both hardasses in their own ways, which is why sweet little gestures and words like this mean a lot more to them.

he sighs into the angel's mouth, tongue brushing languidly against his in a lazy kiss. he'd love to make this even more intense, but the dull ache in his hips serves as a reminder that he really shouldn't right now. which is sad, because izumi tends to show his love in overbearing actions more than words most of the time. ]

Mm...

[ he breaks the kiss, shifting on sandalphon's lap as he rests his head on his chest. he's always wondered if primals have hearts, and by placing his ear here he could practically feel it. ]

You're the one making me warm like this. [ and speaking of warmth, his gaze lands on the two cooling mugs of coffee that sandalphon brought earlier. ] Did you really think I'd get mad at you back then?

...Mad probably isn't the right word, but...

[He sighs, looking slightly frustrated. Now that he has to put it into words, he's not quite sure what to say...but he'll have to give it a try.]

...From a practical standpoint...this arrangement is temporary. Though I have doubts about how long it is we'll really be here, if it really is only a year...that's a short time, even for a human. And it's time that you could be spending with the people that you'll go on to spend the rest of your life with once we leave, whether that's through an escape or through honest means.

[He strokes Izumi's cheek, brushes his hair away from his face.]

It's selfish of me...to impose my own feelings on you, knowing all of that. That's what I thought.

[It's what he still thinks, really. In some ways, having his feelings returned is one of the worst possible outcomes, because if Izumi has any love for him at all, it will hurt when they have to separate.

And that will be Sandalphon's fault.]

You've got a point, but...

[ izumi sighs. he's not sure how to deal with it when they have to separate as well when the time comes, knowing that he and sandalphon won't just give up on their own respective duties in their worlds for each other. it really would've been easy if he is to continue falling for makoto like the old days. or leo, or any of his classmates and be done with it. ]

...Back home, idols like me aren't supposed to have these kinds of relationships. Our fans would be heartbroken, calling us impure for not choosing any of them. It has to be a strict, professional relationship through and through - which was what I intended when we first contracted.

[ and look at them now. ]

I want to go home, but at the same time I... [ he grips sandalphon's arm tightly. ] I just want to experience something like this before I do that. With you, in hopes that you won't forget my mundane existence for years and years to come.

[ ugh fuck he's getting a bit emotional, let him just hide his face in sandalphon's chest a bit. ] If you could remember me for that long, no matter how you feel about me... I'll be satisfied with that. So... Please.

[ let him have this for a while longer. ]

...You know that just makes it sound like you're looking for a fling, don't you?

[Still...he can understand the sentiment—of wanting to know what being loved feels like before returning to a life that necessitates forgoing it. A selfish wish from a selfish person. In the end, they have that in common, don't they?]

What nonsense. Expecting me to remember you for centuries when you can't do the same...you mortals really don't have any shame when it comes to making unreasonable requests, do you?

[But his tone is gentle as he runs his fingers through Izumi's hair, petting his head.]

...Perhaps that's a good thing, in its own way.

[Asking a primal beast to love him is itself unreasonable, after all, so if it weren't for that shamelessness, they wouldn't be here, holding one another.]

In exchange for the rest of our year here...

[Because it's really less than that, isn't it? They've already spent months together.]

...If you give that time to me, and me alone...I'll grant that wish of yours.

[So give him all kinds of things to remember, Izumi. Kisses, touches, words and whispers, enough for someone who spent two millennia without understanding what love is to think about for the rest of his days.

Theirs isn't the kind of love sung of in poetry; the only things written about their whirlwind romance will be in Sandalphon's personal, self-authored collection. And realistically, the time they have is so limited there are far more things they won't be able to do than things that they will. But that doesn't make the ache in his chest as he thinks of their eventual parting any less painful, and it doesn't make his smile any less fond.

He'll cherish every fleeting second he's allowed to share with Izumi.]

( catchall ) even now i still dream of you

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lord i snapped im so sorry